"I was in The Ginger Pig last night..." said Kellen.
"By yourself?" asked Charlie.
"Yes..." nodded Kellen. "I couldn’t be arsed cooking anything, and I can catch up on some work as it’s always fairly quiet there. Anyway, this woman came in and was really rude to the new waiter."
"What’s happened to Luca?" asked Charlie.
"I think he’s away on holidays or something..." shrugged Kellen. "Or maybe he's moved back to Poland. I'm not sure."
"What’s the new guy’s name?" asked Charlie.
"I don’t know..." replied Kellen. "He’s only done a couple of shifts. Anyway, this woman came in and was really rude."
"Was she English?" asked Charlie.
"No, American, obviously..." said Kellen. "She came in, sat down, and just said - 'A glass of white wine, please'. The waiter came over, gave her the menu, and said - 'Here's our wine menu'. She said - 'There’s only one choice? Is it any good?' The waiter said - 'I don't really know, I don't like wine'. She said - 'Why don’t you know? You work here! How can you not know?' The waiter apologised and said - 'I'm sorry, I've only just started, I don't really like wine'. She was really huffy by this point and said - 'Well, I just want a glass is white wine. You only have one option on the menu, right? So I guess I’ll have that one?'"
"Did you say anything to her?" asked Charlie.
"No, obviously not..." replied Kellen. "But I gave her a look. She felt my judgement. How was work last night?"
"Not bad - fairly constant, but no dramas..." replied Charlie. "No police, no ambulance, no one died."
"I love how that’s what counts as a quiet night for you..." laughed Kellen. "Who knew that working in a gay bathhouse would be such an adrenaline rush?"
"It’s totally turned me off sex..." shrugged Charlie.
"What do you mean?" asked Kellen.
"I think I’ve just become a bit desensitised to dick..." explained Charlie. "Just being constantly surrounded by naked guys. It’s like I’ve become dick blind."
"Dick blind..." repeated Kellen. "I don’t think that’s a thing."

success
Photo by bruce mars / Unsplash


"Is this new?" asked Hamish.
"Not sure..." replied Marc.
"Feels new..." decided Hamish. "It's very nice! I like a boutique cinema. Feels posh. Exclusive. Like a members club."
"It would want to, for the prices they’re charging..." said Marc.
"How much was it?" asked Hamish.
"£20 each..." confirmed Marc.
"Well, I think it’s worth every penny..." said Hamish.
"You’re welcome..." said Marc.
"Yes, obviously I meant to say thank you..." grinned Hamish. "What are we seeing?"
"The Good Liar..." replied Marc. "Ian McKellen. Helen Mjrren. Russell Tovey.
Now that man can act!"
"McKellen?" asked Hamish.
"No, Tovey..." replied Marc, sarcastically. "Of course, McKellen - you idiot. Did you see them interviewed by Stephen Colbert?"
"I don’t think so?" said Hamish.
"I think it aired last night..." explained Marc. "I watched it on YouTube this morning."
"Did they say anything interesting?" asked Hamish.
"No, but they pretended to like each other - now, that’s acting!" declared Marc.
"Don’t they like each other?" asked Hamish. "I thought they were both kind of national treasures. I kind of imagine all the old thespians getting together for afternoon tea."
"You’re so naive..." said Marc. "Why do you think they’ve only worked together once?"
"To be honest, it’s not something that I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about..." shrugged Hamish.

Follow Gareth Johnson on Twitter


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