"How was Australia?" asked Sandra.

"All good..." shrugged Kellen. "It was good to see everyone."

"That’s it?" said Sandra. "That’s all you’re giving me?"

"Well, I did have a bit of an embarrassing security check incident..." admitted Kellen.

"Now we’re getting to the good stuff..." grinned Sandra. "I’m listening."

"Well, it began in London..." began Kellen. "I’ve been travelling a bit with work, so I haven’t really been repacking each time - you know, just get the washing done and pile in some fresh underwear."

"I’m familiar with your terrible packing technique..." nodded Sandra.

"Anyway, I was kind of rushing around before my flight to Australia, so I followed the same strategy..." continued Kellen. "It was only when I was going through security at Heathrow that I realised that I probably should have been a bit more thorough."

"What did they find?" asked Sandra.

"A dildo..." replied Kellen.

"What?" laughed Sandra. "In your hand luggage?"

"Well, I was only travelling with hand luggage, and I’d honestly forgotten that it was in there..." said Kellen. "They had some fancy new x-ray machines they were testing out and my bag got shunted across for searching."

"What happened?" asked Sandra.

"Well, it was okay really..." shrugged Kellen. "I was on the phone to work, and the guy doing the search was gay. So, he had a quick rummage around, found it, gave me a nod and I was on my way."

"That’s hilarious!" giggled Sandra.

"That’s not the end of it..." sighed Kellen. "My connecting flight was in Abu Dhabi and I wasn’t sure how they were going to react if they found an 8-inch dildo in my bag."

"Eight inches?" clarified Sandra.

"It’s plenty big enough..." confirmed Kellen. "It’s Thick. Anyway, I was contemplating throwing it out before having to go through Abu Dhabi security screening, but I talked myself out of it because the dildo wasn’t cheap and their scanners didn’t seem to be as high-tech as Heathrow’s."

"What happened?" asked Sandra.

"Nothing..." said Kellen. "I sailed through without getting a second glance from anyone."

"What a relief!" laughed Sandra.

"But, on the way back, it was a different story..." continued Kellen.

"What happened then?" asked Sandra.

"Well, I wasn’t really thinking about it..." continued Kellen. "I just assumed that as they didn’t pick it up last time then there wouldn’t be any drama this time. I was wrong."

"They searched your bag?" asked Sandra.

"Yes..." nodded Kellen. "It obviously came up on the x-ray, and they searched the bag.
The guy searching the bag was a real dick. He obviously knew what it was. He asked me if I was carrying the bag for my wife. He asked me if I'd flown in from Thailand. He pulled it out so that all of his colleagues could have a good laugh about it."

"I would have been mortified!" gasped Sandra.

"It was like I was having an out of body experience..." shrugged Kellen. "I was already zonked from flying for 13 hours in economy, I just couldn’t believe that it was actually happening."

"Did they arrest you?" asked Sandra.

"After they’d all had a good laugh, the security guard dismissed me like I was totally contemptible..." replied Kellen.

"How miserable..." said Sandra. "How many times did you you use that dildo while you were away?"

"Not once..." confirmed Kellen. "Not once. All of that humiliation for nothing."

Photo by Rohan G / Unsplash

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